i hate it. i hate it so much. that i never know what to say. i want to save them, all of them. i hate that i keep seeing myself more and more in everyone, the more i get to know them. casper - goddamnit. i wish he hadn't. and. i didn't want to get drunk, but i did get drunk. so fucking wasted. i wanted to die, so much. and being in the apartment, and i went out to the bathroom, and i sat on the floor. then i lay. and i couldn't get up for ages.

and i lay on the bed and couldn't get up, so i pretended to be asleep. and they started talking about me. and i think. they care about me. or maybe they were just drunk.

i want to cry, but i can't. i want to meet people. do i? ouch. i miss malthe. i hate that his mail comes to the apartment. i don't know if i should just send it to his parents, or call him and tell him that i have it. fuck.