the ball has dropped. the balloon has popped. i am fucked up, confused and irritated. my feelings are nuclear bombs exploding, ruining everything within miles of me. i just want to read bad poetry, listen to pop songs and hold hands in candlelight. forever. but it tears me apart. i am fading away from everything. nothing makes sense. i can't make sense of anything. love changes everything.

and i hate everything. i hate everything in my life. i want it to end. i wish i had the courage. i wish i had just a little piece of spine, a minor piece of my brain that was still working, so that i could just do it right. for once. i am so sick of being so pathetic. i hate people. i hate you all. i wish everyone would just disappear, or die a really horrible and painful death. i hate being fucked over.

i want to die right now. i hate being in love. i hate worrying that he doesn't care about me. i hate feeling like i am obsessed. i hate not being in control. i really want to die.