i am scared of going to sleep. i am scared of the world that i enter. where i can't control anything. i am a control freak. if someone says i can't do something, i will do anything i can to prove them wrong, while i within myself, say that i can't do anything at all. i am stupid. yes.

i hate nightmares. i hung up the dream catcher that ryan sent me years ago, which i forgot in my old room. but it doesn't seem to help. my dreams have become even more vivid and realistic. and scary. but not in the freaky way. it's just. there are always people i know in my dream, and it's scary and it scares me and i am panicking and i wake up sweating and i cry and every time i close my eyes i see it and i want to scream.

fuck fuck fuck fuck.