i wish i could just pull myself together. and not drag myself further down, because that is what i do. i can turn anything negative, no matter how positive it is, i will twist it around in my head and make you the enemy. when it's really just. myself.

i wonder if i will ever understand myself. or, accept myself. i wonder if i will ever stop wishing death upon myself, if i will ever stop dreaming and fantasising about razors and ropes and trains and cars and concrete against my face. i wonder if i will ever stop wondering what it would be like, to not be able to pull that last breath down into my lunges, to really lose myself. for good.

sometimes i feel sad, because i know death walks next to me, no matter where i go. and sometimes, it comforts me, because i know that no matter what i do, death will always be there.

and i feel so stupid, and i never really talk about it, but. there are things in my mind. they are evil, but some of them make me feel safe. the images though, those i could do without. the dead bodies and the blood and the crying, dying children. sometimes i feel like their rotten bodies are inside of me. that my organs are dying, and my skin is plastic. i feel sick.

but i'm okay, really. i'm just. ungrateful.