it's slipping, slowly, but steadily. i can't remember the last time i felt like this. i skipped work. said it was the heart thing. it was, in a way. since then i've been crying. been scared. roughly 48 hours since last brief physical contact. i reckon it will be another 48 until the next. i've often thought about going to the psychiatric emergency, but, you know, i'm scared to go outside and crying too much to actually make sense over the phone. also, scared of making phonecalls.

automatic for the people is my suicide record. i'm guessing since it was the first one. and it's just one song on repeat, but i can't imagine doing something so stupid to any other song. you are really stupid when you are 12. also, really stupid when you are 22. could be a nice circle. but i don't really want to die. i just want this to stop. and i don't know how to stop it. i don't know how to stop the tears or the burning in my hands. fuck. i want to ask for help. i really do. really. fucking really. but i don't trust "you can call me" or "i will be there for you". because you won't. you never were.