i hate this. lying on my bed, staring, trying not to think. occasionally having one thought that leads to a hundred, ending up in the place i am trying to block out, then crying. start over. i hate this. i wish i never threw out those pills.

i hate being alone. i hate being alone for so long. i was hoping it wouldn't happen. i should have stocked up on food. there's nothing in the fridge and i'm kind of starting to starve. i want to eat bad things because i am in a bad mood, but i know it won't help, and it will keep me from sleeping.

i want to stop being on the verge of tears. and i wish i knew how to ask for help. or who to ask for help. but it's not easy to ask someone to do your groceryshopping for you and tell them to leave it outside the door and leave, because you are too afraid to face them. i hate being alone with this.