it's almost 5am and i have nothing else to do (that's not true, but homework was never my thing, so why start now).

i started crying heavily today, and then it got worse, and then it evened out. i don't know why it happened, but i felt awful. started thinking about ways to die, and how i would do it for real this time, because all this mucking about and dancing with death has been done too many times. but then i thought about a couple of people, and i don't want to leave. not because they need me, but because i need them. and that's silly, because i won't need them if i am dead. sometimes i long for death so much it scares me. like today. it was all about death and when and where and how. but why? no, i don't know why. just because, i guess.

maybe because i need for someone to come and slap my face and tell me i'm wasting my life, getting lost in this depression that seems to never end. or just grab my shoulders and shake me up good, i need for someone to wake me up. wake me up. oh___god i can't wake up. i'm so tired and i can't go to sleep, but i really should. and i was going to bring some glass with me, but i forgot because my attention was elsewhere for just a minute.

most of the thoughts are gone now, but in a way i am just sitting here, hoping they will come back, so i have an excuse not to do anything. i'm not ready for this. i'm not ready to live yet. school was fine the first months, but now i'm bored and tired of it, and i'm sick of getting up at 6am, and i'm sick of having to take the train every morning and afternoon. i am really not sure i want all this. i don't want to keep on changing my mind, but i just don't want to keep on doing this, either.

i'm frustrated. constant cramps and panic attacks. being paralysed is the worst. just sitting. like now. with a knot in my stomache, trying not to think too much, and with my eyes opened too wide it's hurting. and i want to vomit and cry and scream, because i feel like fucking shit and it hurts and what the fuck am i supposed to do? i hate that i keep coming back to this state of mind.

i'm in school, i have a boyfriend who is absolutely crazy about me, i don't live with my parents. but i hate school and i stay home too much, and i can't feel safe with my boyfriend, because he just doesn't get it, and i guess no one does, but it doesn't feel right and i want to scream because it just HAS to be alright soon. it has to. someone has to say the right things. someone has to hold me, just the way i need to be held. i'm desperate. truly desperate. so what do i do?

keep on waiting? i don't even know what i've written.