i'm in london. the people in the apartment next door are yelling. very loudly. and loud thumps are heard every once in a while. sirens go off about every twenty minutes, and it is sort of scary, sitting in the dark, smoking.

i don't think i've ever felt like this before. things are going right, but i feel so uneasy. i feel incomplete and wrong. my skin is burning increasingly and the cramps in my stomach just get worse. the sighs and the staring at nothing has become more frequent, and this inability to smile hasn't really been here before, apart from previous really bad situations. i've always been able to put on a brave face. always. i've always been able to put my feelings on ignore whenever i was around someone else. nothing is wrong with me, remember?

i am losing it again, and i've thought of seeing a doctor, but i am not sure i can do it. i always think "this time i'll be honest, this time i'll stick with it, and it will work". it never has, but i suppose you should never stop trying. and you should never be ungrateful, for life is an extraordinairy gift, and suicide is the easy way out, the way of the coward and think of all the people who would be affected by your death. but if these people will be affected, if they are going to miss me, why are they not helping me now?

would they mourn my death, and proclaim i was unable to feel happiness? or would they say "what a shame, she was so young"? you can sum my life up in clich�s, so what is the fucking point? i hate knowing all these people that i can't connect with, and with whom i feel awkward in the company of. i could cut them all off, and what would be left? i suppose i can't have a meaningful relationship without it being completely hopeless and complicated.

things have really started looking up for me since my life turned to shit. i can't believe he's going to trade the cd i bought for him. i guess that shows how much i was worth. but then again, he changes and doesn't ever seem to be the same person.

the emptiness never subsides. and there's only one thing i want, but i can't have it.