i want to stop caring. now. right now. i want all feelings to leave my body. i'd rather be an asshole. i don't want to care about anyone, it would make it all so much easier. i can't fight all the things inside me, without hurting someone. i need so much, and i can't get it, and i am frustrated and hurt and sad and depressed and i hate it. i know i can get it out.

i don't want to see dead people hanging in nooses, corpses in the snow, children getting molested. it's too much. i don't know what is real anymore. i think i dreamt something, or i saw it today, or maybe it's nothing, maybe it's real? maybe not. but i wish they would stop yelling. i think i might explode. and i don't know how to get it all out.

i am crying and i want to run myself into the walls over and over and over again. bleed this sucker out. make the craving stop. i can't believe you avoid me like this. i am sorry i don't love you, but i can't make up feelings, though i wish i can. and i wish you would call me, when you say you will. but it's all stupid, because i expect too much, and i am nothing. too eager. and i want to stop.

the longer i can keep away, the less i will miss it. right?