i tried to cut myself the other night, but it doesn't seem to do anything. or maybe it was just because i didn't do it enough, or cut deep enough, what do i know. and what do i care? i don't have the urge to do it, and haven't ever since i got out of the hospital with bandages on my wrist. it's stupid, and i've always known it, but when you. find something that feels like it is saving you, you don't see clearly.

it's like drugs, mostly, i guess. you get hooked, you can't stop doing it, and when you're not doing it, you miss something to fill the void inside of you. the depression, the boredom. it feels like a sickness that you can't get rid of. i guess it scares me, in a way. doing it again. maybe it's just another phase of not-cutting-to-make-yourself-feel-better, because it might come back. the urge. if i feel bad enough.

i guess i don't feel so bad these days. i'm just so bored, because i don't really have anything to whine about. i'm just stressed and stupid. i don't feel creative at all, and i miss taking pictures. hopefully it will change. i think i have been outside for a total of 10 minutes since saturday. i've just been sitting in my room trying to write that stupid 3rd year assignment, not sleeping, smoking too many cigarettes and drinking too much coke, only leaving the room if i had to go to the bathroom, or to eat dinner.

i'm in a sad, sad state.