oh fuck. you know, sometimes i think i am over him, and i can just do whatever i want. but i fucking can't, because i still miss him so fucking badly, and i still want him to come back, and i still want him to die, and i still want him to fucking grow up and realise that he made a fucking mistake... or something. i can't stop crying. and reading about an overdose suicide of a young guy who actually died on my mother's fucking birthday this year doesn't make it better.

i fucking hate life. i fucking hate the way it keeps fucking us over. i am so tired and it is only 12.30. i wish there was something i could do, to help people. to make others feel better. but maybe i am just cursed. i can't even fucking pull myself out of this stupid non-existant depression. i have nothing to be sad about, do i? it's all in my head. i'll get over it. and i just want to fucking scream and kill everyone.

i need to be fucking held. i need to feel loved. i am sorry, it is such a stupid and small thing, and i hate that i am so pathetic.. but i don't feel it. i wish someone... would. love me. and i am crying and i miss malthe and i want to go over there and make him take me back. as stupid as that is. i hate him! i love him! i don't want to be mature, i want him to love me. WHY WHY WHY WHY?!?!??!

i want to die.