on the grand scale of things i can say, without blinking, that i am pretty healthy. i go off course sometimes. hiding in my bed, telling myself off and feeling sick.

when i feel sick it's like my skin is rotting. like my heart is a big, fat scar that just won't heal. it starts scabbing, but i guess i pick at it too much. it starts bleeding again. my heart. my heart. sometimes i can't feel it.

i still have problems with letting go. i want to, but i am still too scared of being alone. of looking forward. into.. the future? the future. the future, which is a big black tunnel. i never liked tunnels much. it was always thoughts of being trapped under water or under a mountain. and dying. it is weird how you can want to die so badly and still be intensely afraid of it.

i am alone now. i guess, for the first time. it's not so bad at the moment, but i am not living in reality, so it doesn't count.