i really want to be punished for the things i have done. nothing sexual in it. i have this idea that i will not be whole until i have been severely punished. beaten and whipped until my back bleeds. if i can get through that physical pain, i will be able to make it through. i can imagine it so much i can almost feel it. but only almost. cutting myself stopped working years ago. i say i want to be punished for the things i have done, but i am not sure what they are. i know i have done wrong, though. i must have.