my granmother wants to die. it's so incredibly sad. she sat there by the table, sipping her coffee, telling her youngest daughter that, it didn't really matter if she died, so why bother worrying. she is 86 years old and can barely remember anything. i look at her and i think, "that's loneliness". she must feel so sad inside. my granfather died in '97. she lives on her own. it makes me want to cry.

christmas doesn'nt do much for me. i got a vaccuum cleaner, a hairdryer and various other stuff. nothing fancy, which is fine by me. no music, no books, no art. just. practical.

i've been sick, which is a relief. i wasn't forced to socialize with everyone. i got to lie in bed all day yesterday. read trainspotting and stole alcohol from the basement. what can you do, when you hate your family? it's sad.

i'm still buggered about this love thing.