a change is going to come. yes, i think i believe it. i forbid myself to write about anything bad. i do not forbid myself to write about things that are sad, because some sad things are valuable still. i forbid myself to write online when i am hysteric and panicky and irrational.

i can do this. i think. i can fix me. i can fix my head. i can do it.

i will bury myself in work and think about owls and tea parties and cakes and colours and warmth and cassette tapes and fred astaire and... that's all i can remember now. stars, maybe. the ocean. the sky. i will try not being home. i will try not staying in bed. i will go to the movies again.