i've been having these dreams a lot lately. the same person keeps reappearing in different bodies. sometimes it's scary and sometimes it feels like coming home.

during the hours i spend in my bed awake, staring at the wall/ceiling or with my eyes closed when i don't have to rush out the door to work i pretend to be asleep and dream of australia. i dreamt of australia when i was very young and didn't know i was unhappy. koalas, kangaroos and a very big rock in the middle of nowhere seemed to be the perfect place to escape from this darkness. red evenings and perfect waves.
now it seems i can't shake my teenage past. it taps on my shoulder, haunting me when i sleep and when i am awake. sometimes it's not so bad, and i forget, but then, like today, it completely paralyzes me. i keep telling myself i am over that period of my life, but the truth is i will never get over it. like i said in a previous entry, i have a boyfriend and i love him. this seems to be the best relationship i've been in since back then, and i'm afraid. afraid of killing it, like i have so many other things. afraid of throwing it away for something i am not even sure is there anymore.

still, something is pulling my heart out of my body and away. i hate it. it never really ended. i wouldn't even know where to go if i actually ended up going. it's just that thing where you need to touch it one last time to see if it's really over. but i know if i got to touch it i would never come back. and i'm so sorry.