dan called me last night and it was nice to sort of talk to someone who is as nice as he is. and i didn't mean it when i said "call me", but he did and it was alright to not panic. the phone had been ringing all day and i just couldn't pick it up. i couldn't handle it. i should have picked up, but i really just did not want to. i want to thank dan for calling me, also for always being a friend even though there are usually months between our conversations.

the days are very long and effective. it seems that the pain in my heart doesn't come around as often any more, but it's still there. missing people is a horrible thing, but having it be such a disappointment to meet and "hang out" is even worse. some times i think of all the times where i've wanted to see a person so badly and when they were actually there, i had nothing to say and i just felt really tired. it makes me sad that i am like that. it makes me sad that i can not even have a proper conversation with a person i like and that i would like to have as a friend. but it will be ok. it will all work out fine.

i'm hoping.