2004-07-24 >>>>> make me shut up.

i don't want to be fifteen again. i don't want to be re-living pain all over again. i don't want to keep on listening to music that makes me more depressed, or, even worse, keeps me depressed. i'm not fifteen any more. i can't believe it's been so long.

it's been seven years since my first suicide attempt. well, seven years exactly on september sixth. i can remember when i remembered everything clearly. but i don't anymore. just little things. i don't remember saying 'goodnight', but i remember DRIVE on repeat. for hours and hours. quietly. and lying in bed. and waking up again. waking up was the worst part. because i think, i honestly thought i would die. and i've never been so disappointed. and getting desperate, and does this mean i want to live?

my father was out of town, and it was like freedom. my mother would be gone before i had to go to school. my brother still lived at home, but wouldn't come upstairs unless someone told him to. freedom is not always good. i don't know what freedom is, do i? because i feel trapped, even though i am not, and if i realise i am free, i will panic. you know? panic and go nuts. i have choices. i don't have to stay here. but i feel like i do.

i remember it was sunny, and i was lying in the hospital bed the morning they brought me in. my mother had tried to make me vomit and i passed out. when i woke up my brother was there. i remember telling a man that the empty pill bottle was in my room, in the mars box.

when they took blood from my arms every morning, from my wrist, i thought "it wasn't worth it", but i don't know if i meant "it wasn't worth trying to die for" or "it wasn't worth trying to live for".

writing things down is underrated.

i wish my sister would go to bed. she helped me organise my thirteenth birthday. it was fun. everyone i liked was there. i don't know any of those kids any more. i wish people didn't slip away from me. i know i have nothing in common with the ones who were at my thirteenth birthday. i see them around sometimes.

i can do better than this. i don't have to be sad.

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